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Not Taco Bell Material

Adam Carolla
Something about having a yard to park beat-up vans in becomes enticing to these no-job nomads. It?s international waters for retarded pirates.
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 2179-80 | Added on Sunday, March 09, 2014, 11:34 PM
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Here I was, a former jock and current construction worker, bawling his eyes out in a pickup truck with Dionne Warwick and a Bee Gee.
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 2086-87 | Added on Sunday, March 09, 2014, 11:23 PM
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I didn?t have a lot of confidence since not only was it an exam, it wasn?t even multiple choice. But this thing had been eight years in the making and I had to give it a shot. As I stood in line to register, I was still amazed at how long the process took. I leaned in to the woman in front of me who was the size and color of a Starbucks mocha and asked, ?When did you put in your application?? She said, ?Tuesday.? This is my beef with affirmative action, not just that it screwed Jeff over or that it screwed me over, it screwed over some poor sucker whose house is burning in L.A. right now. This chick got to the head of the line without any qualifications because of her sex and race. If Barbie?s dream condo caught fire, she?d be hard-pressed to throw Ken over her shoulder, much less an actual person.
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 1967-73 | Added on Sunday, March 09, 2014, 07:22 PM
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There?s a certain math you can do with government-subsidized housing. The more money Uncle Sam is kicking in for you to live there, the worse your place smells. If they?re helping a little, your place has a faint, musty gym-sock smell. But if you?re basically living for free, then it smells like a rhino took a shit in there.
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 1882-84 | Added on Sunday, March 09, 2014, 07:06 PM
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I sat alone in my Z, my mind racing: ?If I turn this key, is that cop going to turn on his siren? I wonder who The Weez is porking? That Ducky-boy was so gay; I bet that clown will never have a successful sitcom.? Eventually I just held my breath and started the car. I slowly backed out of the parking spot. Between the booze, the rain, and a broken defroster I was literally just feeling my way to the street. I managed to get onto the flooded 101 freeway and inched home. I threw up in the bathtub and was so loaded I didn?t even attempt to beat off. In the state of California it would have been considered rape. I never found out why that cop car was in the parking lot that night, or how hefty the chick The Weez mounted was. All I knew was I had a tub to clean and a hamper to soil.
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 1865-70 | Added on Sunday, March 09, 2014, 07:05 PM
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The only insulation was my seventies Jewfro. My bedroom was more like a rec room for bats and hunchbacks. And damn, did that loft get hot. It would still be 100 degrees, even at night. The heat rose from the rest of the house and baked me like a potato. It was a terrarium and I was the iguana.
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 273-75 | Added on Saturday, March 08, 2014, 12:22 AM
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The first was a beer in a worn-out styrofoam koozie. It had the logo for some beer that they haven?t made since the seventies, and you could see the indentations where his grip had slowly worn it down like the Colorado River shaping the Grand Canyon. I?m constantly amazed by how long dumb people hang on to ten-cent items.
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 1250-52 | Added on Saturday, March 08, 2014, 07:06 PM
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When you?re vomiting into the tub and sitting on the toilet simultaneously because your bathroom is so small, that?s not just a sign you had a bad night or had some bad clams. That means you?re having a bad
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 1221-22 | Added on Saturday, March 08, 2014, 07:02 PM
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It was her idea of tough love, and my dad went along with it. He isn?t big on confrontation. He?s just a piece of driftwood calmly going down the stream of life avoiding the rapids and the whirlpools and forever flowing toward the great storm drain in the sky. Plus they needed a place for his ?79 Buick Regal.
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 1193-96 | Added on Saturday, March 08, 2014, 06:59 PM
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I pose this question. Who?s scarier: guys who hitchhike, or guys who pick up hitchhikers?
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 1172 | Added on Saturday, March 08, 2014, 06:56 PM
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An hour later we heard screams coming from around the bend. We rushed over to investigate. Chris was helmetless, gloveless, and shirtless on top of the scariest cluster of cacti you?ve ever seen. The cactus that grows wild in Baja makes the stuff you see in the gardening section of Home Depot look like a marshmallow wearing a goose-down bathrobe.
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 871-73 | Added on Saturday, March 08, 2014, 06:07 PM
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I had this thought about name tags. I had to wear one at McDonald?s. As far as your job and your name placard go, the farther away from your chest the better. If your name is pinned to your vest, that?s a shitty job. If your name is on your desk, that?s better. The best scenario most of you can hope for is to have your name on the door outside your office. That?s good, solid, middle-class, middle-management stuff. If your name is on the directory on the first floor of the building you?re in really good shape: You own the tax-preparation service or the dental practice. If you have your name on the outside of the building your office is in, that?s great. You not only have your own company, but you have enough departments to warrant your own building. Now, if your name is on a building on the other side of an ocean, you?ve really arrived.
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 736-42 | Added on Saturday, March 08, 2014, 05:50 PM
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Seriously. Rejected from Taco Bell. A guy who was probably only three years older than me and barely made it out of high school but had a ?manager? pin decided I was just not Taco Bell material.
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 673-74 | Added on Saturday, March 08, 2014, 05:44 PM
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So while most of my buddies? syringes were filled with high-grade bull testosterone, mine was filled with Ensure and tap water.
Not Taco Bell Material - Adam Carolla - Highlight Loc. 456-57 | Added on Saturday, March 08, 2014, 04:57 PM
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